You won’t find Big Bird, Elmo or the rest of the Sesame Street gang teaching these A, B, C’s in the morning. With “A” standing for “Ass Kicking”, “B” for “Boners” and “C” for “Copping a Feel” you get the sense that this isn’t your daddies’ alphabet, though maybe it should have been. “The Alphabet of Manliness”, the debut book by internet legend Maddox, hit store shelves May 30, 2006 courtesy of Citadel Press. Since its release it has spent 12 consecutive weeks on the New York Times bestseller list and with the hysterical and surprisingly accurate descriptions and satire of what it truly is to be an alpha male, one can hardly be surprised at its success. Maddox took some time out of his busy book tour and world domination schedule to sit down and give the Daily an exclusive interview concerning his website, his new book, and his ever-increasing popularity.


George Ouzounian, a Utah programmer better known by his online pen name Maddox, is the author of the immensely popular “Best Page in the Universe” (http://maddox.xmission.com) which has become one of the most heavily visited websites on the internet, clocking over 166 million hits to date and having over four million visitors a month. When asked what made him create the website, Maddox responded simply, “Mostly spite. I used to hang out in a chat room for programmers when I was 16. My friends online noticed that I would complain a lot, and they thought it was funny, so I started writing articles to post on my web space that wasn’t being put to use. I originally wrote articles to spite my close friends and family, and by word-of-mouth alone, the site has ballooned.” He likes to point out that he has done no advertising or changed the design of his site to make it more popular, that its popularity is due completely to word-of-mouth, “Some of my critics point out that the site looks like it was designed in 1997,” said Maddox, “Guilty as charged.”

With the immense popularity and the status of being a living internet legend, a book seemed inevitable and Maddox appears to have been planning one for a while. “The primary reason I wrote this book wasn’t for money. That’s not to say that money wasn’t part of the reason, because if it wasn’t, I’d simply donate all the money to charity; but we don’t live in this fantasy Nickelodeon land of make-believe where bills pay themselves, so money is always a factor,” said Maddox, “The main reason I wrote this book was for credibility. The book is a New York Times bestseller. I’m no longer just some dude with a website. People can’t ignore me anymore when I want to move my other projects.”

As for what these projects may be, little was shared, though he did describe his wish to pursue a more diminutive representation of himself, “I’ve wanted to do action figures for a long time now. I want to do a pirate character with lasers and a sword with grenades. He’d come with his own grandpa in a rocking chair who would be abused and yelled at,” said Maddox, “My action figure would rock the universe.” Obviously. He also has a comic book titled “The Best Comic in the Universe” which is to be available in the near future.

The book itself wasn’t easy for Maddox to finally bring to light however, “Writing this book was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It took me six months to write from start to finish, and when I say six months, I mean literally working every day,” said Maddox, “Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Halloween, etc. There’s so much work that went into creating this book that will never be seen by anyone.”

Along with all the writing its respectable 204 page length, included are 145 illustrations. To find illustrators, Maddox held an open competition through his website from which he picked eight final contestants whom he hired to work on the book. The coordination required to get an illustrative cohesion throughout the “Alphabet” was a task in and of itself. “In order to get a cohesive sense of style throughout this book, I had to write a chat program where the illustrators could upload their work for each other to see,” said Maddox, “Each illustration took about three pages worth of email to coordinate.” The work paid off however, as the illustrations are stylish, crisp and varied, providing a fantastic set of props for Maddox to work with.

But how about the book itself? If you’re new to Maddox’s biting satire and merciless ranting, prepare for a strong case of culture shock. As Maddox clearly states in the forward to his book, “This book is all about men and what men like. It’s the definitive reference book about manliness. If it needs to be shaved, beaten, or sexed, there’s a good chance it’ll be in this book.”

He also provides a disclaimer and a warning to the opposite sex, “If you’re standing around in a bookstore with your thumb up your ass, wondering why someone would have a picture of a man punching a gorilla on the cover of a book, this book isn’t for you. On the other hand, maybe you’re a woman and you’re reading this wondering “Is this book just for men?” I would say that it is only for men in the same way that lesbian porn sites on the Internet are only for women.”

And it only gets more offensive from there.

There is no line of sensitivity or political correctness that Maddox is aware of and that is what makes his work not only conduce hysterical fits of laughter but also ring of the kind of truth that you could never admit to the public for fear of a lawsuit.

From the “M is for Metal”, which describes the “metal effect”(an opposite to the theory of the Mozart effect, which states that playing Mozart to your unborn child will make them smarter, the “metal effect” promotes playing metal through headphones to your testicles to ensure that your kids will be “the meanest sons o’ bitches on the block”) to the “Q is for Quickie” flowchart which guarantees you action (though not who you get it from), little to nothing of what it is to be manly is left out of this book.

Proper role-models like Pirates (P), Lumberjacks (L), and Chuck Norris (N) are addressed, analyzed and worshiped, and simple not-spoken-until-now rules such as urinal etiquette (U) are addressed (“It’s a well-known fact that using a urinal next to another man when you don’t absolutely need to means you want to have sex with him.”).

Yes, it’s rude, it’s crude and it’s terribly, terribly offensive, but that’s what the Maddox experience consists of. Maddox could honestly care less about his critics and even prints his hate mail on the back cover of his book instead of praise, including a hateful piece allegedly from his own mother.

Judging by sales, his admirers definitely outweigh his haters.

Maddox also had some words to pass on to his fans at Stanford, “My fan base, like me, is incredibly smart,” said Maddox, “but as for Stanford, the school is ranked #79 on my list of colleges signed up for my mailing list. Although you beat out Harvard and Yale, there were 78 others with more determination than you. I think there’s only one word to describe Stanford students: underachievers.”

All in all, “The Alphabet of Manliness” truly is the best A-to-Z guide for being a manly man to date and merits a read from anyone owning an extra appendage south of the border along with anyone else who wants to laugh until their sides hurt. If you’re easily offended, steer clear, but if you are looking for a good laugh and an honest and amusing satire of the alpha male in his natural form, look no further than Maddox’s new male bible.